“I will forgive you. Will you allow me to borrow your dressing gown? I am taking it with me to bed now. If you need it later on you can take it back-by then I will be already asleep. Are the shops open tomorrow?”
I found this note on my night table after one of those evenings you can call heavy. I made my daughter upset and I knew it. I was sorry but I was not sure how to tell her. How to justify what had happened? What to do when things cannot be undone?
We were in her bed and she was sobbing and I was heartbroken. I also felt slight irritation that was more about me than about her. I apologised but she could not understand because her pain was too big. She told me that “sorry” is not enough to repair the things. She shed tears and I was silent. Then she asked me: How would you feel? And I could only reply that I would feel very bad and the silence reigned again in the room. I was kissing her forehead and caressed her arm. I dared to say that at one point I felt very angry and that the anger made me react so strongly. I explained that I felt as if nobody cared what I felt, that I felt ignored, that I felt not understood. I said I do not know what to do in such situations. She suggested that I could bite into something or hit the pillow and she showed me how to do it. Then she started to cry again. I held her tight and wiped off her tears asking her if she knew they were salty and she nodded with a slight smile. “Will you ever forgive me?” “Of course I will.”
I murmured to her ear gently: I am very sorry for what happened. I cannot promise that it will never happen again but I promise I will try my best not to overreact again. I love you dearly and I would do anything to repair the hurt. I was stroking her warm arms and hot cheeks and kissed her weeping and tired eyes. As I listened to my words and felt the warmth of her skin I realized I am telling these words also to myself and while giving the affection away I was receiving it back. My inner child who longed for those words to be uttered by people who hurt me in the past had finally heard them. It was powerful and liberating.
I will forgive you (I love you).
I am taking your dressing gown to my bed (I am taking a part of you that smells like you with me so that I can feel your pure presence – the way you are when you are not angry).
You can take it back when you need it when I will be asleep (you can have back your REAL SELF and by that time I will be already fine).
Are the shops open tomorrow? (let´s do something together tomorrow, let´s have future together).
Heavy evenings are great teachers. For heavy evenings we need to have time, patience, open heart and let go of our ego that justifies all our actions. Thank you Emma. I love you.